Trumpifying the Progressive Agenda

October 21, 2016

I cannot claim complete sobriety during last night’s third and final presidential debate, but I also do not think that any amount of alertness would have helped me understand how more than two-fifths of American voters plan to cast their vote in support of Donald Trump on November 28th

So, absent any logical reason to vote for Trump, I thought that perhaps the problem is more emotional. Maybe Hillary’s calm, measured delivery just doesn’t inspire some of America’s more bombastic, but otherwise completely reasonable, voters. With this in mind, I thought it might be helpful if I translated some cornerstone progressive policies into Trump Speak.

Without further adieu, I present Trumped Up Progressivism:


Donald Trump wants to go door to door and tear families apart. He wants to break into homes at night, and tear families apart. Does that sound American? 

Maybe Donald doesn’t believe in the Statue of Liberty. I believe in the Statue of Liberty. And the Statue of Liberty says, “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

They weren’t talking about your pageant contestants, Donald. They were talking about immigrants – the backbone of this country. 

So this is what we are going to do. We are going to have a system that ensures the orderly immigration of law abiding immigrants into this country. And it is going to be fantastic. 

Supreme Court

Let me tell you something, folks. This president isn’t just going to be president for four, six, or eight years. The effects of the next president will be felt for many, many more years than that. 

You know what I’m talking about: Supreme. Court. 

Right now we only have eight justices. It’s unprecedented. It’s ridiculous. The Republicans, they won’t approve any more justices. Folks, we should have nine. Nine at a minimum, maybe more, I don’t know. But we need at least nine. When progressives are in charge, we are going to have nine justices and it is going to be big. I am telling you. Big. The Constitutional mandate will be fulfilled, the senate is going to do its job, and it is going to be huge.

And do you want Donald Trump picking the next three Supreme Court justices? Can you imagine? If we’re lucky we’ll get Ivanka. If we’re lucky. Not on our watch.

Tax Policy

Trump is a greedy boy. He’s greedy. Trump wants to cut school budgets to pay for his fellow millionaires’ and billionaires’ helicopters and yachts. It’s disgusting. When America won World War II, the top marginal tax rate was 94 percent. 94 percent. Today? less than 40 percent. It’s disgusting. And where does that difference go? The millionaires. The billionaires. He is a greedy, greedy boy. I’m telling you.

Oh and then Wall Street. Don’t even get me started on Wall Street. Let me tell you. Wall Street’s gonna pay on our watch. They’ve been getting off easy for a long time. Crashed the economy. Still getting rich. Not on our watch.

We’re gonna put a stop to it. Here’s what we’re gonna do. The incentive to drive up profits and drive down wages? Gone. Done. We’re gonna have higher wages. We’re going to have more investment. We’re gonna have fewer executives making 9 or 10 figures, and all this ridiculousness is going to end. Instead of an economy for the 0.1 percent, we’re gonna have an economy 99.9 percent.  

How does that sound, America?

Gun Control

Donald Trump wants to give guns to toddlers. He wants to put firearms in the hands of children. In the hands. Of children. We think toddlers shouldn’t have guns. We also think bad guys shouldn’t have guns. Donald Trump wants all the bad guys to have guns.

Listen to this: 33,000 people are killed by guns every year in America. Thirty-three. Thousand. And 100 children. 100 childen are killed by guns each year. Each year, America. That’s two every week. Is that what we want? Trump wants that. That’s what Trump wants. And if you don’t elect a progressive, I’m not sure there’s anything that can stop it. I don’t know, America, maybe you gun control lobbyists can stop it.

Labor Policy

Workers, Trump is lying to you. He is a liar. Shame on you, Donald. Donald thought, “If I tell them China is the bad guy, then they won’t remember that I refused to hire union crews to build my buildings and they won’t notice when I appoint a very against labor governor for Vice President.” And it was very bad for him. It was very very bad. Flip-flopping all over the place. I mean, it’ll make your head spin how much this guy flip-flops. Now he’s going, “Oh, I don’t remember,” he’s like, “I don’t remember.” Shame on you, Donald. Shame on you.

Workers. Workers, he thinks you’re dumb. He thinks you’re dumb. Sorry, that’s what he thinks.

Look at this: Mike Pence. No on minimum wage hikes. No on prevailing laws. Yes on right to work laws, which are actually bad for workers. Terrible. Mike Pence and Donald Trump, they think workers are the problem. And they don’t want you to have a say. They don’t want you to have a say. Well, what do you say to that?

Well, I’ll tell you what we say. We say, do we believe in the free market? Because if we believe in the free market, then workers should have the right to bargain. If workers can’t bargain then it’s not a free market. It works both ways, right? Right!? So do we have a free market or do we not have a free market? Because there is no free market when the voice of the workers is silenced. So we’ve gotta enforce labor law. If we’re going to have a free market, we have got to enforce the law. We have to got to enforce the law.